Irretrievably Lost
by Angst Is My Middle Name
Summary: "Outside her office door stood a young ensign with long limbs and curly brown hair. He paced nervously, wringing his hands, walking away from the door a few paces before returning and staring at the wall comm before repeating his movements." Freddey meets ENS Pavel Chekov. 4th in 'The Chaplain's Log' series.


_**Apologies to anyone following this series I've begun. Life crept up on me (and another fandom) and I just couldn't find the typing time. Forgive me please, kind readers.**_

_**I'm going to try and post plenty when I can, but grad school swiftly approaches for its final semester, so my thesis may stand in the way of fanfiction related pursuits.**_

_**Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this as much as I do, and as always, let me know if there are any mistakes that need correcting.**_

* * *

When Starfleet received the distress call from Vulcan and sent its cadets into action, many of those cadets will still only in their third year. They still had a full year of training ahead of them, a year that would have provided valuable knowledge and field experience. As she had expected, Freddey Mulcahy was assigned to the USS Enterprise, Pike's ship, and she was sure Jim Kirk would be there, too. Sure, he was in the middle of a disciplinary hearing, but Jim was so smart, so good at what he did, that she just assumed he would be there. Pike had the newest ship in the 'Fleet and his pick of cadets. Freddey knew Jim would be there, even if they rarely saw each other.

The chaplain's quarters and office were located adjacent to the main medical bay, which made sense as the chaplain was most often needed in the medbay when people were dead or dying. Chaplains were actually considered members of the medical team, healing souls instead of bodies or minds but every bit as integral to personnel recovery. She found her official uniform waiting for her in the closet, the shirts and dresses in science/medical blue, and opted to change into a shirt and trousers. They had been called to aid on a potential disaster, so something that provided more coverage and protection was best in case of emergency.

And an emergency there was, possibly several all in a row. Freddey didn't hear much in the medbay. McCoy told her that he'd smuggled Jim on board even though he wasn't supposed to be there, but then the ship was rocked by an explosion that sent Freddey to the floor and set McCoy cursing, especially when he was made Chief Medical Officer. Rumors swirled about Pike being held hostage by Romulans and Vulcan being under attack by an enormous Romulan ship that was drilling into its core. Vulcans were being shepherded into the medbay in transporter-sized groups only minutes apart, all with varying degrees of injury. She heard that Vulcan was destroyed completely, wiped off the galactic map entirely. Jim and another officer were brought into the medbay, but Freddey couldn't get over to see him. There was too much happening.

There was an announcement at some point in which Jim stated he was the acting captain, but she couldn't be sure exactly when that was. She was constantly giving last rites of various religions and holding hands, trying to soothe wounded spirits while they waited for a doctor to work on their wounded bodies. She does vividly remember McCoy carrying Pike into the medbay. She hurried over but was rebuffed by McCoy, who urged her to see where else she could help and suggesting Dr. M'Benga may have something for her to do.

Dr. M'Benga instructed one of the nurses to give her a Vulcan infant to hold, a baby girl who was beamed up with her father, the latter of whom was suffering from severe psychic shock from the loss of his wife and bondmate. M'Benga, having studied on Vulcan, asked her to hold the child and try to offer some psychic comfort. If the infant was feeling any psychic discomfort, however, she wasn't showing it as she slept peacefully in Freddey's arms.

Freddey's heart leapt into her throat as the ship groaned heavily around them, the metal creaking and screeching. She shot McCoy a worried look, who bore a concerned expression, his eyes darting around. He quickly pushed it down, turning instead to soothing his patients, making sure they didn't over stress themselves over something completely beyond their control. Freddey prayed for Jim and Spock and the whole Enterprise.

The ship lurched violently. Freddey threw out an arm to keep from falling and hurting the infant. McCoy swore again, grabbing onto the edge of a biobed for stability. The ship fell quiet, the hull no longer creaking and groaning. Freddey's heart was pounding. Jim's voice came over the intercom, announcing that Nero had been defeated, CPT Pike rescued, and Earth saved from destruction. He paused, seeming to anticipate the cheer that went up not only in sickbay but shipwide, then continued, explaining that in order to escape the black hole formed by the destruction of the red matter in Nero's ship, they'd needed to eject the warp cores. Thus, though they were in the Sol system, the journey back to Earth would take two weeks at the very least. Still, when Freddey remembered the noises the Enterprise's hull was making, it felt quite good to be going home at all.

"LT Mulcahy?"

Freddey looked up. Dr. M'Benga stood before her, his medical tunic spattered with blood both red and green.

"How is she?" he asked softly.

"Okay, I guess. She's been sleeping mostly… woke up and cried once…"

She looked down at the infant and found large brown eyes looking back at her. Freddey couldn't keep the smile off her face.

"Is her father alright, doc?" she asked.

"He's as well as can be expected," M'Benga told her, "I'm keeping a close eye on him, but I expect him to recover. It'll take some time, certainly, but he'll recover. Some of these older couples have me worried, though. They've been together so long that one of them just dying like that may take the other. You see it in Terrans sometimes, with elderly couples. They'll die within days or even hours of each other.

"Anyway, I think our little girl will be fine. Lemme get a nurse to relieve you so you can get back to doing what you do best: healing what we doctors can't. One moment…"

M'Benga wandered off, returning shortly with an older woman who had a kind face and looked as though she'd been in Starfleet for ages. She smiled warmly at Freddey and the infant, her dark face crinkling by her eyes.

"I'm Roslyn Baker," she offered quietly, "Here, you just hand me the little one, and I'll make sure she's well taken care of. Here we go…"

The Vulcan infant didn't so much as bat an eyelash at being handed to another stranger. Baker immediately swayed off, cooing and humming at the babe as Freddey had done. M'Benga ushered her out as Jim was coming in. Freddey opened her mouth to speak to him, but he cut her off with a crushing hug, assuring her he was fine and telling to her to go to her office.

"Go on, Fred. They need you in your office now," he told her, releasing her, his expression softening as he looked at her, "I'm glad you're alright, Fred. I'm glad you're here. We'll catch up later, I promise."

He gave her another quick squeeze and slumped off after McCoy to be looked after. Freddey sighed heavily, exhaustion hitting her without warning, and she realized with a start that she hadn't slept since the mission began over forty-eight hours ago. She wandered back to her office, shoulders slumped, trying to offer small smiles to those she passed in the corridors. Freddey was looking forward to a long sleep and a hot shower.

Outside her office door stood a young ensign with long limbs and curly brown hair. He paced nervously, wringing his hands, walking away from the door a few paces before returning and staring at the wall comm before repeating his movements. Freddey rolled her shoulders back and put a smile on her face, doing her best not to show her exhaustion, and approached the young man slowly. He jumped when she cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting," she said sweetly, "I've been down in sickbay. Please, won't you come in?"

The ensign gave no immediate reply, though he nodded after a moment. Freddey stepped up and opened her door, waving the ensign in first.

"There you are. Just have a seat, sweetie," she offered, "Would you like something to drink? Water, coffee, tea? You're free to use my replicator and have whatever you'd like."

He shook his head this time, gazing down at his wringing hands in his lap.

"I'm Winifred. My friends call me Freddey. What's your name?"

"Is… my name is Pavel," he muttered.

"Pavel… well, what can I do to help you, Pavel?"

"I… I don't know."

"I'd like to try anyway. Why don't you tell me what's troubling you?"

The wringing of his hands intensified, but he didn't speak. Freddey waited. It wasn't good to push. He was struggling with whatever it was, and pushing him to speak was likely to make him clam up. She made herself a cup of tea while she waited. It was just cool enough to drink when he muttered almost inaudibly, "I killed her."

"Who?" she asked calmly.

"It vas Mr. Spock's mother," Pavel replied, his voice (and accent) thick, "I vas trying to save her and Mr. Spock and many others, but-but I lost her. I-I don't know vhat happened. I-… she just-… she started falling and I couldn't lock on again. She… she died because of me."

"Why do you think that it's your fault, Pavel?"

His lip trembled, and he answered, "Because I failed! I failed to save her! I let her fall and now she's dead and is all my fault!"

Tears shined in his eyes, his face going red from trying not to cry. Freddey laid a gentle hand on his arm, asking, "And why should that be _your_ fault?"

"I told you already, I failed. I could not properly perform my duties."

"How many others did you beam up?"

"Vhat?" he blinked.

"How many others did you beam up and save?"

"There… there vas Mr. Spock and his father… and seven more… and there vere… five other groups, I think."

"That doesn't sound to me like you failed in your duty," she said gently, "It sounds to me like you performed admirably. You saved so many people. You mustn't feel so guilty for a death you didn't cause. Her death was caused by Nero. All the deaths we've suffered today were caused by Nero, and he is the only one who can be blamed for them. I know Jim and Spock, and so I know that they are very, _very_ proud of you."

"But-but if only I had maybe tried harder-"

"Don't do that to yourself. Maybe you could have saved her, sure, but maybe it would have cost everyone else their lives. There's a saying on Vulcan that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. None of the Vulcans you saved blame you for Amanda's death, not even Spock and Sarek. They understand that there were variables beyond your control. They know you did your best."

"But… but the look on his face-!" Pavel said earnestly, apparently determined to blame himself, "Mr. Spock… he vas so sad. I've never seen anyone look so sad in their eyes. He just… he vas staring at the place his mother should have been."

"Pavel, you must stop blaming yourself. Remember what I said before? This was Nero's fault. Amanda's death weighs on his soul, not yours, and-"

"But it does."

His young face was miserable, his eyes wet, tears slipping down his cheeks. Freddey reached out and took his hands in hers, whispering, "Forgive me, Pavel, I should have known better. Of course it weighs on your soul. Believe me, I know better than most that it does, and I was wrong to think you were any different. I just want you to understand that her blood isn't on your hands, no matter what it feels like. You shouldn't feel ashamed or unworthy. Like I said, I know that Jim and Spock are proud of you."

His lip trembled some more.

"I'm proud of you, too," she continued, "for coming to talk to me about it instead of bottling it all up."

"I just… I needed someone to talk to… and… and I thought you were the only one to help me… who would be able to help me."

"Well, I do my best, Pavel."

"I am just feeling so bad, so guilty because… nevermind…"

"No, tell me. I'd like to know. It may let me help you some more."

He sniffed quietly, staring down at his hands once more, and said simply, "I know how Mr. Spock feels from losing his mother."

"So do I," she told him, "I was eleven."

"I vas eight. We vere living on Mare Imbrium lunar colony, and she fell ill. It vas a brain tumor. Inoperable. I remember they diagnosed her in November, and she vas dead by August. My father moved us back to Russia after that, back to Taganrog. That is where I vas born and where my mother vas born so… so that is where she is buried."

"Yeah, my parents are buried near where they were born, too. Do you ever go and visit your mother's grave?"

"_Da_, all the time," he replied with small, tearful smile, "I always took her flowers on the Theotokos feast days. Theotokos is Mary, Mother of Christ in the Orthodox Church, but I'm sure you know that. I like to visit her especially at the Nativity of the Theotokos, the Presentation, the Annunciation, and especially the Dormition of the Theotokos. I like to leave her white _tyul'pany_… erm… is 'tulip' in Standard. _Tyul'pany_ are native to Rostov Oblast, where Taganrog is located. They were her favorite flower."

Freddey felt a stab of jealousy. Pavel clearly loved his mother very much, even a decade after her passing, and she wished she could say the same. Her mother never cared. She pushed it down and reached out to take one of Pavel's hands as his lip trembled again. He choked out, "I just… I just feel horrible because I failed to save Spock's mother when I tried so hard, and all I've ever wished I could do vas save my own. I-… I still miss her so much, Freddey."

His young face crumpled, tears rolling down his cheeks, and Freddey couldn't stop herself from pulling him into an embrace. He buried his face in her shoulder, crying softly, his breath hitching, while Freddey rubbed his back soothingly. It all made sense now, why he was so upset over the death of Spock's mother, why he seemed intent on blaming himself. When he finally pulled back, Freddey gently wiped the tears off his face.

"It might make you feel better," she offered, "if you were to talk to Spock about this. I know the idea of it may seem a bit frightening, but I think it'll be good for both of you. I can ask him, if you'd like, to see if he'd agree to it."

She watched him turn the idea over in his head a few times. After a moment, Pavel spoke up, "_Da_, I think I would like that."

"I'll ask him the next time I see him. In the meantime, it may make you feel better, coming from your religious background, if you prayed to the Theotokos. She is a mother, the greatest mother some say, so asking her for comfort or guidance or forgiveness may help you with the guilt you feel."

"I… erm, I tried to do that before," he mumbled, his face reddening, "I could not find the right words."

"Don't look for them. Don't pressure yourself to find words for prayer. The best prayers come right from the soul, where words don't exist. Just settle yourself somewhere nice and calm and quiet, and let your prayer flow from there. It can be a bit hard at first, but you get used to it, Pavel."

"Thank you very much, Freddey," he replied, smiling softly, "I vill do my best to do what you said. You vill let me know when you speak with Mr. Spock?"

"Absolutely, as soon as I can. Now, why don't you go an get some rest. I'm sure you've been working this whole time, and I think some sleep'll do you good. Remember, if you feel like this again, come and see me, and we'll talk again, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am, happy to."

"Good, I'll be in touch, Pavel. And none of that 'ma'am' stuff anymore, got it?"

He gave her another small smile and a quick hug before leaving. Watching him go, Freddey sighed, no longer as exhausted as before, her body cycling back into work mode. She groaned as she pushed herself to her feet, deciding to go around to the different departments of the Enterprise to have their heads remind their people where she was and to come to her if they needed anything. She started with Engineering, figuring she would start there and work her way back up to her quarters.

The Engineering deck was buzzing with activity, and Freddey stood at the threshold, utterly confused, not having a clue as to where to find the head of Engineering. She wasn't even sure what his or her exact title would be or if it was even the same one they left Earth with. She was saved from her confusion by a PO2 coming over and asking, "May I help you, ma'am?"

"Well, I'm here to see the chief engineer, if they're not too busy, Petty Officer-?"

The young man wrinkled his brow slightly before it cleared and he said, "I'm PO Sedna. Please, ma'am, follow me."

He led her down near the warp cores (or at least where they would have been had they not been shot into a black hole) where several people were working on a wall panel and some complicated looking electronics boards. One, a man with dark hair, was armpit-deep in the wall panel, grunting and swearing under his breath. PO2 Sedna cleared his throat, saying, "Sir, she asked to speak with the head of Engineering. With Chief Engineer Olsen gone, you're the highest-ranking officer and have the most authority. I believe acting CPT Kirk named you Chief Engineer?"

"Aye, that he did," the man replied, pulling himself out of the panel, "thank ye, petty officer. And what can I do for you?"

He faced her fully, and Freddey felt her heart give a strange little flutter she didn't recognize. He was fairly tall, his uniform smudged with dirt and grease. He wiped his hands uselessly on his shirt. Freddey stepped forward, holding out her hand, saying, "Hello there. PO Sedna tells me you're the head of Engineering?"

"For the time being anyway," he replied, giving her hand a firm shake, "Name's Montgomery Scott, though most just call me Scotty."

_Scotty the Scotsman… somebody wasn't too creative…_

"Good to meet you, Scotty," she told him cheerfully, "I'm Winifred Mulcahy, the ship's chaplain. I just wanted to come down and meet you and ask you to remind your department of where my office is. I'm right by the main medical bay. So, if anyone needs to speak with me, my door is open 24/7, for the most part. I know the crew suffered a lot of losses, so I'm just asking all the departmental heads to remind their crews where I am."

"I certainly will, LT Mulcahy."

"Oh please, it's Winifred, or Freddey," she said.

"Of course, Freddey. I'll send out a notice to the entire department quick as."

He offered her a small smile, and Freddey felt that odd flutter again. Perhaps it was medical. She made a note to ask Kahliya about it later.

"Wonderful. Thank you, Scotty. I've gotta go. I'm on my way up to the Communications department."

"I could escort you if you'd like," he offered.

_Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it Do it-_

"That's awfully nice of you, but I'm sure you have way more important things to do than show me out. See ya later, Scotty," she said, ignoring how her brain screamed at her to take his offer and giving him a small wave as she left.

Freddey wound her way out of Engineering, wondering why that happened. She'd never felt anything like that before, and the little flutter came back when she simply thought about that Scotty character. How odd. The exhaustion returned in full force before she was even halfway to Communications, so she abandoned her plan and returned to her quarters for sleep. Surely it was her tiredness that was causing such a strange reaction, and a good long sleep would rid her of such things. She attributed that fact that she saw him in her mind's eye just before she fell asleep to her bone-deep exhaustion. It would go away when she was fully rested.

_The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost. _

_~Arthur Schopenhauer_


End file.
